Lord Elrond's Musical Aggravation
by Phillip Callaway
Summary: Oh no! Another of Lindir's abominable hits! All sane elves run for cover. The problem is, Lord Elrond isn't exactly sane...*Batman music plays* Or is he?


Lord Elrond's Musical Aggravation

Save us! Another of Lindir's abominable hits. All sane elves run for cover. The problem is, Lord Elrond isn't exactly sane...*Batman music plays* Or is he?

A/N: This story was partly inspired by 'Curse of the Elf and Ranger', by Erestor, and Chapter 32 of 'How to Live With a Demigod 101', by Alassiel. Thanks, you two, for your awesome stories.

Elrond sat peacefully in the garden, reading a very improving book. He sighed, contentedly, and flipped another page. What was more enjoyable than sitting in blissful silence...Oh dear! What was that awful noise?

Far down the path, Elladan was singing at the top of his lungs, 'The Other Day, I Met a Bear'.

Elrohir joined in and they began the second verse.

He looked at me,

He looked at me,

I looked at him,

I looked at him,

Elrond jumped up with his hands over his ears and ran to the dining hall, still clutching his book. He burst through the doors and sank into a seat panting heavily, and then realized with horror that the song was stuck in his head. A few minutes later, Lindir came up and was startled to see the Elf-Lord banging his head on the table. He turned and fled.

'Quickly,' he cried, 'Get Bilbo to sing Lord Elrond a song. He is about to kill himself!'

Bilbo rushed to the dining hall, and ran to the hapless elf.

'Lord Elrond,' he said, 'Allow me to sing you a song.'

Elrond looked up eagerly. He did not like Bilbo's songs as a rule, but anything would do to get this song out of his head. Bilbo, seeing Elrond's lifted spirits, happily burst into a wild refrain.

'The other day,

'I met a bear,'

'Aaaaaah!' screamed Elrond, exiting the scene rather hurriedly. He ran straight to the stables and climbed into the loft, nestling himself into the hay, and praying that the song would leave his head after he read a bit. He sat there for about five minutes, then Glorfindel entered the stable and started grooming his horse. Unaware of his lord's presence, he jumped into the middle of a song.

'And so I jumped into the aaaiiiiiiirrrrr,

'And missed that branch away up there.'

'Now don't you fret,

'Now don't you...Aaaaah!'

The Balrog-Slayer shrieked in horror as Elrond tumbled down the ladder and landed at his feet.

'My Lord,' he gasped, 'Are you alright?'

'NO,' screamed Elrond, in a very un-lordly manner, 'I AM NOT ALRIGHT!' With that, he stomped off, clutching his book like a mace. He sought refuge in the orchard, and sat in a tree, reading his book furiously. But it failed to engage him, and that idiotic song kept dancing around in his head. Eventually, he stopped reading and attempted to think of other things. He thought of fishing boats, and dwarves, and all kinds of random stuff. Then he thought about Arwen. He sighed, happily. At least, Arwen was off his hands. It was his sole comfort right now, to have her married off, and far away. He was saved the mortification of...Wait, she couldn't be in Rivendell, yet that sounded like her voice. Nearby, a breathy, dazed voice that sounded like a zombie was singing,

'And so I ran away from there,

'And right behind me was that bear. Hey, Dad!'

Arwen came sweeping towards him, with her arms outstretched.

'H-hello,' faltered Elrond, 'What brings you here?'

'Aragorn and I had a fight, so I'm coming to stay with you until he apologizes.'

'Well, um,' returned her father, 'You know, you won't be able to do that when you're married.'

Arwen looked astonished.

'Why not?'

But then she caught sight of Lindir and swept away before her father could answer. He shivered and made a disgusted sound. Then he fled to his study and hung a sign on the door.

'DEEPLY DISTURBED. DO NOT DISTURB FURTHER. PROCEED WITH CAUTION ON UNIMPORTANT BUSINESS. RISK OF DEATH.'

He sank into a chair and grabbed the nearest book. It proved to be a book filled with all the songs of Rivendell. He opened to the third page and these words met his eyes.

'He said to me,

'Why don't you run,

'I see you don't

'Have any gun,'

He slammed the book closed and buried his head in his hands. Through his head a string of words was dancing.

'The other day,

'Why don't you run,

'He sized me up,

'On the way back down,

'And so I jumped into the air,

'This time it really is the end.'

Elladan and Elrohir were walking down the hall and humming 'The Other Day', when they noticed the sign on Elrond's door.

'Say,' said Elladan, 'Father hasn't left his room for a whole week. Shall we go in and see what's the matter with him?'

'It says "proceed with caution on unimportant business",' Elrohir pointed out.

'This isn't unimportant,' returned Elladan, 'He could have been abducted or something.'

'It might seem unimportant to him,' said Elrohir, 'and the sign says "risk of death".'

'Oh, come now, Elrohir. You don't think he'd kill us, we're his sons, after all. Come on.'

He opened the door cautiously and peered in. No Elrond to be seen. He opened it wider and crept in, Elrohir behind him, and moved to the center of the room. All was quiet. Then they heard a groan and turned to see their father, amidst a pile of books and papers. The two elves rushed to his side.

'Father,' cried Elladan, 'Are you alright?'

Elrond didn't answer but muttered something about bears.

'There aren't any bears in Rivendell, Father,' said Elrohir, 'Are you feeling ok?'

Erestor, who had noticed the open door, came in at this point.

'What's going on?' he asked. He had been away for several weeks and had just come back.

'Father isn't feeling right,' said Elladan, 'You've read about diseases, maybe you can recognise the symptoms.'

Erestor bent and listened to Elrond's chest, but recoiled in horror as the Elf-Lord emitted a sound rather like maniacal laughter. Elrohir watched in amusement as his father started babbling Westron and Sindarin at the same time. Erestor stood up and straightened his robes with dignity.

'I think,' he said, 'that there is no doubt that your father has gone mad.'

'Cool,' said Elladan, 'It must have been the trauma of Arwen coming home.'

'Is he contagious?' asked Elrohir, eagerly.

'I don't believe so,' said Erestor, somewhat worriedly. The twins looked disappointed.

'We had best get him to an institution,' continued the advisor, 'So help me carry him.'

It was soon known throughout Rivendell that Elrond had gone temporarily mad, but that he was sure to recover within a few weeks. Elrohir and Elladan convinced Arwen to leave, to lessen the chances of her going insane. They were among some of the elves that thought it a good thing that Elrond had gone mad. It gave them an excuse to get rid of Arwen, and Glorfindel and Erestor were glad that now, the Elf-Lord would finally be getting a good rest.

They were in the garden next to the asylum for insanely disposed elves the next morning, talking about the advantages this development proposed.

'Not only will it give him a break from all his stressful work,' Erestor was saying, 'But it will give him better rest at night because he won't be worrying about everything.'

'I agree,' said Glorfindel, 'And Haldir's Home for Crazily Gifted Elves is a very naturally based organization. It will improve his health and he will be happier.'

Out of the window behind them just then, Elrond's voice singing,

'The end, the end,

'The end, the end,'

came floating to them on the breeze.

'See,' said Glorfindel, 'He's happier than ever.'

'I wouldn't necessarily say that because he's singing that song, he's happier,' said Erestor. Glorfindel laughed.

'I was afraid you wouldn't like it. But it's Lindir's biggest hit right now, and I think it proves Lord Elrond's improvement in morale.'

Six hours later, Elrond was still singing lustily. Long ago, Erestor had shut himself in his room with a pair of ear buds and Lindir's iPod which the twins had pinched for him. Glorfindel was groaning that Elrond was driving him nuts, Bilbo was writing his own songs with earnest vim, Elrohir and Elladan were blasting rock music in the library, and even Lindir had begun to say that he wished the Elf-Lord would stop.

The next day Erestor was about to take Elrond his breakfast, when Glorfindel, the twins, Lindir, and Bilbo converged on him. He raised his eyebrow.

'Well?' he asked.

'We're coming with you,' they said in unison, 'To either convince Elrond to stop singing that song or duct tape his mouth shut.'

Erestor considered for a minute.

'I cannot let you in his room,' he said, 'because there's the risk that you'll bring germs in, but I can speak to him for you and bring you his reply.'

So saying he made his way to Elrond's room.

'How are you this morning?' he asked as he set the tray next to the half-elf's bed. Elrond giggled for reply.

'You know,' continued the advisor, 'People are beginning to get tired of that song you're continually singing.'

'Are they really?' asked Elrond, eagerly.

'You're not mad, are you,' said Erestor, accusingly. Elrond laughed.

'No, I'm not,' he replied, 'But it's glorious pretending. Tell them that I am feeling better, and that I will come to discuss the terms with them, immediately.'

'Oh, I wouldn't advise that,' said Erestor, 'People don't recover from insanity that quickly. I'll just tell them that I forced you to ban the song from every corner of Imladris, and that it is never to be sung again by anyone.'

Elrond sighed.

'Very well,' he said, 'You know best as always.'

'Thank you,' replied Erestor, 'And perhaps, if I have been quite satisfactory, I might request a raise?'

Elrond hesitated.

'You didn't do very much,'

'I did more than was required,' returned the advisor.

Elrond sighed.

'Erestor,' he said, 'You have acquired a larger paycheck.'

'Thank you, my lord.'

'By 1%.'

Erestor bowed and left Elrond to himself. The elf smiled.

'Goodbye, "The Other Day",' he said, and softly hummed,

'This time it really is The End.'


End file.
